Importance of Friendship

Shri Mataji Nirmala Devi

Melun, France
9 July 1989 

I am really over-delighted that in France we have so many visitors as well as French Sahaja Yogis for this Puja. That shows the collectivity. The collectivity which attracts all of you from all over the places, and that you try to enjoy that collectivity. But the basis of collectivity, the foundation of collectivity is very deep. And the deep understanding can only tell you that the basis of collectivity is detached love. Love is the only way. It’s not possible to have collectivity unless and until you have detached love. French have been good at so many types of love that they have been talking about. And they have written books after books, novels after novels and have created lots of romantic and unromantic and all kinds of atmospheres to talk of love. But the pure love as we understand in Sahaja Yoga is to be now expressed by Sahaja Yogis among themselves.

After all, we are all human beings made by one God. And that we are all Sahaja Yogis created by one Mother. So there should be no misunderstanding between us of any kind. But we must know what sometimes makes us little different. If we can understand the problems that we face, then it would be much easier for us to see why our love becomes so attached and not so detached. Starts becoming smaller and smaller, then a person just starts loving oneself only. One of the main reasons that we have this problem is because of our conditionings. We are conditioned the way that we don’t know how to love.

When I see the advertisements in the West, I don’t know from where the West starts and where it ends and from where the East ends. They talk of West and East, but I don’t know which is the demarcating line. Can anybody tell Me that? Where do we start East and West, because it’s one round world, you see? (Laughter) But somehow or other there is some line, unknown line, underlying line which creates sometimes this East and West – two types of conditionings. So, when I see some advertisements they show about, recently I saw, about James Bond that he is free to kill and the best film for revenge – this is the advertisement. If revenge is the best way of fulfillment, then how can we love someone? So, this kind of conditioning comes to us from outside. That we should not forgive anyone, we should take the revenge. And if you do not take the revenge then you are not worthy your name. So, if you cannot take the revenge, like a duel that they used to have in France quite a lot between the two persons. They would take two guns and kill each other. I mean, what a stupid idea it was! Just think of it in modern times. But it was so.

So, if the revenge is not taken then it was thought to be something very sly, very low level. So, a person must take revenge. History shows also the same things that one had to take a revenge of another person who has harmed you in any way, troubled you. I think it’s the quality of a snake, they say. That if you step onto any snake, it follows you all his life to take the revenge. The only thing that it does all its life is to run after that person who has by mistake put the foot on its body. In the same way a human endeavor, I have seen in so many novels it’s suggested how a man gets after a person who has some way or other harmed. If we go on like this, there’s no end to it. Firstly, it is absolutely absurd.

For that, I will give you an example of Buddha, very much I have been impressed by the way He said once to somebody who insulted Him and abused Him and said all kinds of horrible words. Then Buddha went to another village. Now, this fellow felt the remorse and he went back, and back, and said, ‛Sir, I’m sorry. I have said these things to you. I’m really very sorry.“ He said, ‛What? When?“ He said, ‛Yesterday.“ He said, ‛Yesterday is finished now. You are now with Me today. So, why are you talking about yesterday? It’s finished.“

So, with this kind of idea that somebody has harmed us, somebody is horrid to us we linger on in the past.

Now, I’m told they are celebrating the French Revolution that took place. If you ask Me there was no need to have revolution of that kind to kill Marie Antoinette. It was not necessary. If they had killed or not killed, it would have been all right. But they had to kill her. Why? Because according to them she spent lot of money in Versailles and created some beautiful furniture. Today only they are showing that furniture only. What is there to show in this France? As soon as you come, they say, ‛Have you seen her palace?“ I said, ‛Really?“

First time when I came to France, this was the first question. ‛You must go and see this. Impossible, you cannot get such beautiful things anywhere created. It’s an impossible situation.“ I said, ‛Impossible?“ ‛Yes, because you cannot make such nice things.“

She made such nice beautiful things. She was not going to carry it with her. Now, when you murdered her, then you ask Me to go and see those beautiful things. We have to learn from history that it was stupid to kill her. What was the need to kill her? When you have taken over the government, all right, stop at that point and then you start governing. With that revolution you think world has improved for us? Anywhere in the world, do you think things have improved? Also, the revolution should have been to change the government. All right! But to go to that limit was not necessary.

So, the second conditioning that comes to us that we cross all limits of humanity when we take revenge. They would not have been satisfied that she was still living. ‛Oh God, we have to kill her!“ Of course, I don’t say that somebody who has done any harm to the country, to the nation, should be allowed to go on like that. But how far you go with that is to be seen. So, the wisdom of Sahaja Yoga is in understanding the limitations up to which you can go to express your anger, to express your revenge, so called, on anyone whatsoever. But the best thing would be to leave it to the Divine power, because everything is done by Divine power. We all exist inside the Divine power. We cannot think of anything else of that kind. I cannot give you an analogy how Divine power works. For example, if there were no rays of the sun coming out of the sun, staying inside the sun, and all things working out, then we would have said, ‛It’s something like Divine power.“ Nothing is outside that, everything is inside. And this Divine power is the power of compassion and love, which does everything. But when we take up responsibility, and when we decide we have to do something, and that we are something, and try to go against that Divine power, we become stupid people as we have seen. So, to leave it in the hands of Divine power, and to be just an instrument of that Divine power is the way a Sahaja Yogi has to be. Because the compassion, the love of Divine power is so great that it is wisdom, complete wisdom. A person who has no compassion cannot be wise. He could be worldly wise but he could not be really wise. So, those who believe that they have to be – they have to be very accurate must know that your accuracy will be challenged by the Divine power. There has to be lot of relaxed and a mobile temperament a person should have.

For example, now I have come, suddenly perhaps you were not told, people were not ready absolutely in the formal manner, lined up together like a military. It’s all right, makes no difference. Makes no difference. I am in no way disturbed, no way unhappy. I was very happy to see you all. Because after all, you all love Me and I love you. It’s a family and there’s nothing like being very formal about things. No formality between you and God Almighty, there cannot be. But there has to be understanding as to what we are doing. I find suddenly human beings either become extremely relaxed, extremely lazy, extremely confused.

You ask them their name, they’ll say ten times, ‛Ah … Ah“. I said, ‛What’s your name?“ They will say, ‛Ah …“. ‛I just asked your name.“ ‛What You asked me, my name?“ ‛Yes, your name.“ ‛Ah, I see.“ (Shri Mataji laughing & laughter)

So the – I mean, least bothered as to even remember your own name or to say it. Like a drug acting on that person. That’s going too far. Another style is where too much of formalities. That, supposing now, Mother is coming and we have to give Her something, and something is missing. All right, doesn’t matter. After all, this is Paris. Lots of things were missing once upon a time. If there is something missing, doesn’t matter. It’s not so important, you should not be in tension. If you are in tension you cannot absorb My vibrations. Or if you are lethargic also you cannot absorb My vibrations. So, you have to be in the center. Center, in a receptive mood like a child is that you have to absorb the vibrations with that feeling of expectation and joy. We have to receive Mother. But not with tension that, ‛This is not done, that is not done.“ I see each and every thing so beautifully done. So beautiful are these flowers, everything done so well!

And so many ideas. I can see them so clearly. It’s all expressive of not your tension but your love. So, are we expressing our love or our tension? What is that we are doing? Are we trying to be tense because we are over-alert, or we are trying to neglect everything because we want to escape? Between the two lies Sahaja Yoga. You are very anxious, very much waiting. You want to do something with your heart and then, when there is fulfillment, you can enjoy. But you are tense, I come in, what I find you all have headaches. So, first I have to tell you, ‛Remove your headaches first, then I’ll talk to you.“ So, it has to be a very relaxed rapport between us, but relaxed never means lethargic. It doesn’t mean, if you are lethargic you’ll be sleeping off and nothing will go onto your ears.

So, what we see that our conditioning, one conditioning we have that either we want people to be over-alert or we want that they should not be at all alert. So, the underlying problem of all these things is this – that we want extremes. In our conditionings we go to extremes. We go to extremes of this or extremes of that. If you are absolutely lethargic, lenient, disheveled, we can say absolutely confused, you are not in the center. And on the contrary, if you are very strict, like a Rock of Gibraltar and after all like a big Hitler-like behavior -“You should be in time, everybody must have proper steps, must walk properly.“ That’s not being Sahaj. That’s not being Sahaj.

Now, look at these flowers. See one by one how beautiful they are. Everyone is different, even one leaf of one flower will not match with another. One petal won’t match with another. They’re all different, but so relaxed, creating beauty, giving us so much of joy. All different. Placed in different manner, moving in different manner. Everyone has a different angle. But there is unison. There is oneness in them that they all want to give us joy. But with tension you cannot give joy. I mean if there is somebody tense, I think I better run away from that person. God knows if he is tense, if the tension increases he might beat you. (Shri Mataji laughing) Or might throw you out, or might himself be hurt. So, the tension part of it is very common in the West and that conditioning has come because of certain lifestyles that we have had.

Now, there’s not going to be a war of Waterloo anymore. So, we can say that Waterloo war was won because they reached in time. That’s not the thing. The war was won because it was to be won by the Divine power. Even if they had reached late, they would have won it. Whatever happens is by the Divine power. So, there is no need to be tense. Then you will say, ‛All right. Then, let us sit down and have a nice time. Everything will be done by the Divine power.“ No! Divine power is going to work through your institutions, through your medium. So, you have to be alert.

I hope you understand what I am trying to say – that a person who is relaxed need not be a person who is lethargic, but alert. Alert you can be as well as you can be relaxed because you are Sahaja Yogis. You are not like other people. Other people, you take the name of the airport and I don’t know what goes wrong in their brains. Suddenly, they go off. They are off their heads, they go mad. Like today, we were going to the airport. Thank God everything – nobody was on the road. ‛They must be having these hangovers“, I said, ‛last night. And today that the streets were all right.“ I said, ‛Let’s go easily. After all, there is no program.“

At home everybody was thinking I’ll be late. I said, ‛I am not going to be late.“ We reached there. There was a big queue. And nobody could get into the plane because there was such a big queue. Nobody could even book the seat. So, what was the need to be tense? And supposing you are tense, take a position. And then you do not get the plane. So what? At the most only there is one mishappening, which is going to take place, is our death. That is inevitable. Because we are born, so this body has to die. That’s all! The rest of it is just a joke.

So, even if you are tense or not tense makes no difference. I think sometimes people stand at the same point and start running thinking they are going to the airport. (Laughter) No movement – tense. So, first of all we have to know that if we can reduce our tensions, heart will open. Heart has to open. After all, we are now in the ocean of joy and bliss. Why should we have any tension? But when we are in the ocean of joy and bliss, we are not drowning. We are swimming, so we have to swim. And this part, I think is not understood by many people.

Now, we have conditionings of countries, of different, different styles. Every country has different styles of conditionings. Let’s think of France has got conditionings that you should never look happy. (Laughter) You can make out a French man. A French lady sitting in front of Me, she was looking so miserable, I was about to ask, ‛Who has died in your family?“ (Laughter) She was well dressed. She had made all make-up, hairstyle, everything fine she must have been. But her face was so miserable that I didn’t understand how these two things combine. She has taken good care to look, appear very nice with her paints and all that, and here she is looking so miserable. She’s put up a show that she was very miserable. Now, the conditioning is so stupid, so stupid that according to them whatever is ugly has become beautiful. The ugliest of ugly women they’ll choose and give her the first prize as the beautiest. I don’t know for what, which angle they saw this lady that they called her beauty. You’ll find the lady is caught up, she is bhootish, giving horrible vibrations and they say, ‛She is beauty.“

So, because of this tensed oblique visions that we have either this way or this way, we never see the reality. And, what we accept is absolutely whatever is unreal and worry about it. It’s like a bubble. We are worried about a bubble, as if it’s an atomic bomb or hydrogen bomb. So, unimportant things we worry so much. As a result of that, when we worry, worry, worry, anybody who comes near us, we jump on that person. What are you worried about? What’s the problem? I tell you the only worry I have, if I have any, is this: that My children should love each other. So, I talk of friendship – is to have a friend. If we have worries, we always tell to our friends but not to persons of acquaintance. If you have problems, we’ll never tell it to somebody who we just know by-the-way, but to our friends, and so friendship. Even if you are a leader, you are a friend of the people.

Friendship is such that you could share your secrets, you could share your problems. You do that with Me. And why not with each other? It’s a question of understanding that Sahaja Yogis are all really friends to each other. I think relationship of friendship is even higher than any other relationship we could think of, because there is nothing to be gained out of our friendship. It never ceases and you just enjoy the friendship, that’s all. Then you can pull each other’s legs, sometimes. You could be little joking with another person, making fun of another person. It’s all right, it’s friendship. But this is the purest form of understanding our relationships with each other. And a friend is the one who is always, for no rhyme and reason, concerned about his friend. Before Sahaja Yoga, you could have only one friend or at the most two. Three meant a crowd, cannot have three persons as your friends. But in Sahaja Yoga we are all friends, pure friendship. Friendship of a very beautiful nature – that you enjoy the joy of another person. In vibrations you do. If you feel the vibrations of another Sahaja Yogi, you really enjoy.

I have seen this kind of friendship when we were young because that time people were more open hearted as my father had his friends. He was a very orthodox Brahmin, a friend of his and he was the chairman of an organization all over the country. And the school that, one of the schools where I was studying, that organization was running. So, he was the big boss in that school. So, My father had to go for a case far away and he took all his family and he sent Me to the hostel. He wrote to his friend that, ‛I’m going away and my daughter has to appear for her final exams. But I’m sorry I had to go, taking my family with me. But this is a nice chance.“

So, the friend wrote, ‛All right, doesn’t matter. You can go away. I’m going to look after your daughter.“

He came down and he stayed in the hostel. Took a room there in the hostel. We all were there. He was a Brahmin, he would not touch an egg. He was a Brahmin. But he knew that I eat eggs and I am a non-veg. So, this was about summertime had started. But he would still put on his overcoat or a raincoat and walk out. I don’t know from where he used to get eggs in the morning, bring it in his room because it was a Brahmin school, and secretly cook the eggs for Me, and then he would call Me, and give Me the eggs to eat.

I said, ‛I don’t need them.“ ‛No, no, no you have to have. You know, Your father has gone away, I have to look after You.“

So sweetly! And he was the head of heads there, breaking his own rules and regulations for Me that he was making non-veg food. (Shri Mataji laughing) And then he would take all the, see, shells of the eggs in a paper, put it in the pocket in a big overcoat, walked out and throw them somewhere. Then he would come with Me to leave Me for My exams. Evening again, he was there, waiting for Me. He was such a big man, such a great man, very much respected. I mean, he was the head of the heads.

And everyday I was very much surprised at this friendship. And nothing – I mean, I didn’t see them talking about anything or I mean, they had nothing in common as such. Was just friendship! My father was a literary person, as you know, and this one was a social worker. I mean there was, My father was busy with politics. And such friends I have seen, My father would go to jail, so his friends would come and take us away to their houses and their wives will look after us, give us bath. No difference. I never felt any difference between their children and Me. Moreover, we felt that they were looking after us more than their own children. First they will give us bath.

In friendship one can really enjoy! You need a very large heart to be a friend, very large heart. If you look after your own child, support your own child then you are a gone case for Sahaja Yoga, but if you have that kind of a largeness of friendship.

There is a nice story My father used to tell us about friends because My brother was, had lots of friends, they used to go about gallivanting, this, that. And then used to always criticize that what father your friends come in. They just look after your lawn sometimes because somebody is fond of lawn. Then another does that. And you don’t people discuss, argue anything – just, I don’t know how you enjoy each other’s company.

He said, ‛No, we talk, it’s not that. No, no, we enjoy very much.“ So, My father told him, ‛All right, I will tell you a story“.

That there was a father who had a friend and the son had a friend. Modern times, I mean modern these days is also old times, I should say. So, the father said to the son that, ‛You see, friendship is where you can always rely on your friend and your friend can rely on you.“

He said, ‛Really?“ ‛Yes“, he said so. ‛Oh, my friends I can rely“, the boy said, ‛I can rely on my friends“. He said ‛Really?“ ‛Yes.“

So, father said, ‛All right, let’s test your friends and my friends.“

So, they went down, they asked. The father went with the son, and went to these friends of the son. And the son thought – he told the son that, ‛You have to say that I have murdered someone and help me.“ He said, ‛All right“.

So, they went to one friend. That friend said, ‛You murdered? Baba, you get out!“ He closed the door. Another one they went to, he closed the door. Third one he said, ‛No, no don’t say that you have come to my house. I have nothing to do with you.“ All his twenty friends said, ‛No“.

He said, ‛All right, now let me go to one friend of mine.“ They went there. So, they knocked at the door, knocked at the door. Door would not open. Then he shouted, ‛I am here.“ So, the boy started saying, ‛Look at this. Your friend is not even coming.“ He said, ‛No, no, no, just wait and see.“

So, about ten minutes later the friend came and opened the door, and took him inside. ‛What’s the matter?“

He said, ‛You know I have murdered somebody“ – the father said – ‛and so we have come to you for help“.

‛I knew something must be there because why will you come at this hour? So, I was collecting all the ornaments of my wife. I mean, if you need money, I better give you the ornaments. So, that’s why I was late.“

‛But“, he said, ‛if you have murdered, it doesn’t matter. Now, you’ve got children, I don’t have. So, you better tell them I have murdered. Tell me how the murder took place, I’ll take the murder upon myself.“ And the son was surprised. He said, ‛No, take this.“

Then the father said, ‛See now, this is my friend. You had twenty friends and I have only one friend. This is his friendship.“

And this kind of a friendship, we Sahaja Yogis should have. I mean with a friend you cannot be tense. Cannot be. That is first sign. And with your friend sitting there, you won’t doze off, and you won’t sleep. But you enjoy.

Once I was traveling by train and we had two compartments. So, in one compartment myself and one old lady were there. I mean, I was older than her but she though she was older. And she was trying to sleep. And in the other compartment were two friends. They had met. Ahh! So they were enjoying. He was hitting him and he was hitting him. He said, ‛Aye, you!“ And like that going on.

So, this lady said, ‛Look at these people. They are not allowing us to sleep.“

 So she went and shouted at them, ‛Will you stop this nonsense? What is going on?“

He said, ‛We have met after a long time, you see, so, we are enjoying.“

She said, ‛This is not the way. Why are you hitting each other if you are enjoying? And don’t talk loudly.“ She went away.

Then I went and said, ‛Now, you shout. I am here. Don’t say anything. I’ll lock the door. This lady won’t come.“ They were surprised. I said, ‛I am enjoying the way you are enjoying each other.“ They said, ‛You don’t want to sleep?“ ‛No, no, I want to hear what you say to each other.“ And they were surprised how I was enjoying the way they were hitting each other and enjoying each other.

So, this is how, I have to tell you that we have to be friends. We have to share, enjoy sharing. There is no seriousness about it. How can you be serious with your friend? Just relaxed enjoying each other’s company. Even if you have to argue – argue, doesn’t matter. Even if you have a different view, it’s all right. But, you should not try to impose yourself on your friend, nor your friend should try to impose. But try to understand each other. That’s how we are going to learn such a lot. You have to learn such a lot from each other. For example, I learnt so much from French you’ll be surprised. Learnt lot of things from French, the way they have their art, their ideas of art, their music, their culture. Lots of things to be learnt. So, you have friends in India, you have friends everywhere, you have friends now in South America. Everywhere you have friends. You just go ahead with My badge. Finished. Oh! They will all jump for you, they will do anything for you.

So, this friendship, just think of it in this world we have thousands and thousands of friends everywhere we go. And this is what we have to know within ourselves that we have to be ourselves very, very friendly type, very friendly. There is an openness between one friend and another friend. There is no closeness. There is no tension. There is no formality. And, reliance. So much so that you can talk to them about what you want, what is your need and what problems you have.

I hope you understand that love means complete freedom to yourself and to others. If you love someone, then there is complete freedom and understanding. But this love has to be very, very pure. Complete understanding. You have to feel that friendship. And, you will feel very proud that you have so many friends. And real friends! You have so many friends who are real friends. You will be so very – feeling a thing as if you are a great personality that you have so many friends in this world. You are not alone.

Imagine before this what we had, so many saints, so many great souls were born and they were treated like singular people and tortured, killed, poisoned. They were alone. But you are not. You are all – are friends to each other and the greatest friend you have is the Divine power, which is looking after you and doing everything for you. If you have that kind of a relaxed, beautiful alertness within you, you are going to enjoy life. You are going to enjoy Sahaja Yoga and you are going to get many, many more people in Sahaja Yoga. And, if you don’t have this among yourselves then people are going to say, ‛Oh Mother, whatever You may say but Sahaja Yogis are no good.“

So, for today, in this country of France where we have got liberation, where we have fought for liberation, let us take to real liberation, the real liberation of the soul of our spirit to enjoy. Enjoy everything that is available with understanding.

May God bless you all!

So, today actually with all this theme that I’m talking about – about collectivity, which is the blessing of Shri Krishna and that His essence was madhurya – is the sweetness. And Radha who was His energy was known for alhadadayini. Alhadadayini means the one who is joy giving. Alhad is even more than joy. Who was the alhada. Sorry but, you see, joy can be very general word but alhad means a bubbling of joy. When you see somebody they bubbling of joy. That is Her power. And She was the power of Shri Krishna.

So, when you meet a friend, you know, how you feel like – just taking him to your heart. Just embracing. You don’t know what to do with that. And sometimes it’s so much that you feel like beating. (Shri Mataji laughing & laughter) Beating yourself or beating the friend. That sort of a joy is alhadadayini – that is Radha.

So, today let us now – the power of joy, we have to worship to power of joy. And this power of joy which is alhadadayini. Of course we do the same way but with the idea that now we are praying that our heart should open by Shiva. And once our heart is open, it will be expressed by the power of Shri Radha and Shri Krishna. This is the combination today. Let us have this way that is a combination of heart opening, through Vishuddhi we are expressing it. Like some people, especially women when they are over-joyous they start weeping and crying –  that’s alhad!